Warning: This entry contains commentary on the SGI and cheap maudlin speech.
I've been reading "Chicken Soup for the Soul" and let me tell you, I AM E-MO-TION-AL!! It totally made me want to be a better person. I'm sure this will ware off in a few hours, like once I wake-up tomorrow. But that's why I'm glad to have internet in my home now, so that I can seize these emotional moments and blog something that'll be a total embarrassment to me later. Confession: when I graduated I decided to go on a daimoku fast. I've been on my fast for a year now. To be honest I have my ups and downs, but now I don't dwell on them. I've always found that the physical position of chanting compelled my "soul" to become dependent on something else other than myself. Of course we are taught this is wrong, and even though I know it, I can't help it. Thus my reason to fast. (Instead of chant to overcome my dependence.)
As of now I feel I can be powerful as ever, even if I don't chant. And, I've never felt better about myself as I do now. Of course this is not a ploy of some kind to convince my readers (which I discovered I still have! Love ya guys!) that are striving toward buddhahood to quit. And I don't hate the SGI either. It's true what president Ikeda says, it's an organization for peace. But, it's not for me (not peace, but yeah...). I can't sit in front of the gohonzon and feel right with myself. Perhaps I will be told, more a reason to chant! I believe a community is necessary where one can feel at ease to drop our layers, but the religion is not for me. I will truly miss meetings; everyone's so damn nice! I wish there were such a community that will allow people to feel that way toward each other without the rules and retribution of religion restraining us.
I want to improve myself but not by means of religion. Aren't I allowed to believe that's possible? I want to be conscious of my actions and deliberate when carrying them out. This is the only way I can fully feel responsible for myself. I guess you can say I'm not strong enough to hold myself solely responsible with the gohonzon acting as a buffer. Yes, strength is necessary to be religious. And I don't have it, at least not that kind...
I feel I can do life with out it and still come out okay. I read something in the book about "the healing power;" (no really I haven't been possessed by a Tibetan monk) I believe this. Yes, we all have it and perhaps the gohonzon helps hone that power to heal others and ourselves. But I don't want to believe that just because I don't chant for you all, that my healing powers aren't reaching you just as strongly. I think about all of you quite often in my daily life, hoping for nothing but the best. Thus will the power to heal myself be any less?
Of course it's been implied that "bad things" will happen to me if I quit, but I will be doing no one harm if I do. If anyone it'll be me; thus if I do end up leading a miserable life, you have permission to tell your grandchildren of my story as yet another lesson not to stray. I'm convinced I've searched thoroughly in the depths of my soul to reach this conclusion. I've considered perhaps this is my way of not facing the gohonzon thus not facing myself. But then again, perhaps that's an excuse not to go with what I feel, derived from among many anecdotes I have been taught since my birth.
I feel great about being 'on my own,' but perhaps this is again an egotistical obsession with myself and strength. But, there are very convincing arguments for almost any idea. And, it's just the time for me to stop analyzing and decide. I will take away its philosophies, whether I like it or not, which some I do. Maybe I'll come to appreciate those philosophies I have yet to understand, but for now it's adios. Although I can say there never will be a religion I'm more proud to have been a part of: a religion for humanity; not a God but for the God within. Quite catchy. And just gotta add, ironically for the first time, I'm able to comfortably admire President Ikeda.
Sorry this is dragged on so long...
Now that I've gotten all your perfect comments, its just like me to disappoint all of you with an announcement to leave something related to something that binds us together. So I take it all back.
Good Hunting.
ps. to Uyennie: the title of the previous entry was a reference to Nathan's greatness for entering said school.
ps. to Ellie: I'll read that book soon (^_^;)
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3 comments:
hmm, i know exactly what you mean, ann. or mostly. my junior year of high school left me wondering about a certain religion that did not approve of homosexuality and then i remembered something a history teacher once said to me: that all organized religions are created to control people. after thinking, i renounced my affiliation with any religion, however still affected by the sect of buddhism i grew up with. as time as passed, i've come to realize that just because you aren't religious doesnt mean you are not spiritual. but you may find something else in your life that you can give your allegiance to/believe in. because i think we all have a need for that. so happy hunting, ann.
I think I stopped chanting for the same reason. I didn't want to believe that I couldn't do it on my own.
surely the whole point is that when you are chanting, you ARE doing it on your own. The Gohonzon isn't a magic box that will do things for you. The Gohonzon is (not physically of course) within you. The spirit of Buddhahood is within you ... it ain't now where else whjatever anyone else tells you .. as Josei Toda said “Never passively accept suffering as your destiny. We alone are responsible for the direction of our own lives. Every person has the right to become happy”.
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